Insane Bible Teachings

I can’t stand people who cherry pick from the bible yet consider themselves Christian. If it’s the word of God it must be taken as a whole perfect, infallible, message from the almighty to his favorite pets. I’m pretty sure Paul says anyone who tries to add or subtract from the teachings is doomed to hell and worse than a non-believer. Either you buy it or you don’t. If it’s God’s word then all of it must be accepted if you call yourself a Christian. The fact that there are like 38,000 denominations shows what happens when certain parts are emphasized and others ignored. Modern evangelists have Wed Christianity with capitalism with their “prosperity gospel”, conveniently ignoring the many proto-communist verses spoken by Jesus. And of course things not in the book are added and taught as gospel, usually if it benefits the particular clergyman’s ministry. Anyway, wishy-washy, cherry-picking “Christians” aside, here are some interesting questions true believers should be forced to confront… (it’s part of an old meme that was a response to conservative radio hag Dr. Laura, a proud orthodox Jew who makes Rush Limbaugh seem modest and affable)…

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. Hey, don’t Americans already do this with their use and abuse of Mexican illegals? Funny God cares if you eat shrimp but is ok with slavery.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? Maybe the Duggars would know…

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. You also have to burn anything she comes into contact with while menstruating..

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? The bible spends near a dozen pages on rules for animal sacrifice but only a few verses on how to treat others. 

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? Is there really a difference between these kind of rules and that of the Taliban?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination? Unfortunately, clarity is not the bible’s strong suit…

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? You should also pluck out your eyes if you can’t stop them from making you think sinful thoughts …

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? Really? The almighty says nothing against war and genocide, but IS concerned with his followers’ hair styles. .

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? Honestly, so many mundane things can make one unclean it’s damn near impossible not to become unclean yourself…

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14). Again, a God we’re told is about love sure likes killing his followers. It’s impossible to ignore the petty, petulant misanthrope that God appears to be. If you ignore so much of the bible to avoid cognitive dissonance, you’re nothing but a buffet Christian, eating only a little of this and some of that, which really doesn’t say much about your so called faith or intellect or integrity.

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